To be honest, I felt like I half-assed these 4 years of my college life. I wasn’t really motivated in doing good, like getting into the dean’s list or something. I was fine with just passing and getting the hell out of there. I know, those 4 years seemed like a waste. For me, I wasn’t really mentally and emotionally invested in my course. Some subjects were interesting, but most of it was just meh for me. How I survived 4 years of forcing myself trying to memorize all those drugs and their mechanisms of actions baffles me up to this point.
But those 4 years have come to an end, and you know what, the subject I missed the most was not even a subject related to my course. I missed political science the most. Funny, isn’t it? I felt like crying when I handed my exam to my professor. I learned a lot in that subject, I had fun studying that subject, my answers didn’t feel forced and I was able to retain most of it. I was happy learning that subject, even just for 6 months (I think, I’m not sure).
But those 4 years leads up to a 2-day examination. The board exams, but before that we have to go to a review and have mock boards to decide our fate. And honestly, I have no motivation on doing both. I have no motivation to study for the boards, and I have no intention of pursuing a career related to my course. HONESTLY, I HATE IT. I hate how I have to go through this. I hate how I feel like I’m not doing this for myself, but instead I’m doing this for the school because we have to maintain this top one spot. At this point, I don’t care about that. I just want to finish it just to get it over with. This will be the only consolation I have if I finish this with passing grades.
I feel pressured to be honest. And I don’t want to take the exams because of that but people around me have been just pushing me to do it. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I have to take these exams. I feel disgusted with myself every time I think about exams. I know this sounds like I’m running away from responsibility, but that’s the truth. I’m not ready, but people don’t understand that. I know there are no easy courses in college, but maybe if I actually enjoyed my course even for a bit, I wouldn’t be this disgusted with myself.
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Forget that we were so close, like two peas in a pod;
Forget all the fun times we had together;
Forget all the shit we went through;
Forget that time that I opened up to you;
Forget that I mattered to you once.
I want to forget so that walking away from you wouldn't be so painful
Since thinga have been crazy lately in lj, i have decided to back up all of my things in dreamwidth. I go by the same username.
That's all. :)