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Let me live my truth

 I'm not a good writer and I'm gonna list the reasons why:
1. I have no good ideas. I always used cliches, plots I have read before, prompts from those tumblr pages. You know the drill.
2. I don't have the vocabulary to write good things. I probably have the vocab of a mediocre student who just glides through school because she can't be bothered.
3. I can't write poetic shit. Trust me, I've tried and I feel disgusted reading back to my things.
4. I can't write long paragraphs. They end up being just short, sometimes too short for anything. I have a difficult time just trying to reach 500 words. That says a lot.
5. Shit, I can't make something as basic as a fucking draft. 
6. I never tried to better myself. I keep telling myself that I want to write, but I never do. 
7. I have just given up. I want to write but looking back at it, I've never been a good writer. I was just deluded by my own want to be good at something.

This is not a jig to get sympathy from whoever reads this. I don't need it. I have just come to the realization that I suck and I should stop trying hard at something I can't achieve anything from. 
I probably won't stop writing, but this my truth.

(no subject)

It's 1 AM and you drown out the voices in your head with songs, but they stay with you and form a melody of music and insecurities.

It sucks

My feelings before I graduate (I hope so)

To be honest, I felt like I half-assed these 4 years of my college life. I wasn’t really motivated in doing good, like getting into the dean’s list or something. I was fine with just passing and getting the hell out of there. I know, those 4 years seemed like a waste. For me, I wasn’t really mentally and emotionally invested in my course. Some subjects were interesting, but most of it was just meh for me. How I survived 4 years of forcing myself trying to memorize all those drugs and their mechanisms of actions baffles me up to this point.

But those 4 years have come to an end, and you know what, the subject I missed the most was not even a subject related to my course. I missed political science the most. Funny, isn’t it? I felt like crying when I handed my exam to my professor. I learned a lot in that subject, I had fun studying that subject, my answers didn’t feel forced and I was able to retain most of it. I was happy learning that subject, even just for 6 months (I think, I’m not sure).

But those 4 years leads up to a 2-day examination. The board exams, but before that we have to go to a review and have mock boards to decide our fate. And honestly, I have no motivation on doing both. I have no motivation to study for the boards, and I have no intention of pursuing a career related to my course. HONESTLY, I HATE IT. I hate how I have to go through this. I hate how I feel like I’m not doing this for myself, but instead I’m doing this for the school because we have to maintain this top one spot. At this point, I don’t care about that. I just want to finish it just to get it over with. This will be the only consolation I have if I finish this with passing grades.

I feel pressured to be honest. And I don’t want to take the exams because of that but people around me have been just pushing me to do it. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I have to take these exams. I feel disgusted with myself every time I think about exams. I know this sounds like I’m running away from responsibility, but that’s the truth. I’m not ready, but people don’t understand that. I know there are no easy courses in college, but maybe if I actually enjoyed my course even for a bit, I wouldn’t be this disgusted with myself.
  • Current Mood
    kind of calm
  • Tags

At present

I just finished watching the latest Kanjani con, and I'm about to write my feelings about everything, not just Kanjani but concerning everything related to my current fandom life, because I need to sort this shit out


Let me talk to you about Eightertainment. Just like the title suggests, it was full-on entertainment. It showed what kind of group Kanjani was. The first disc showcased all their latest singles and some con staples (I'm not sure about the staples one tho). It was the representation of them as an idol group, with all the dancing, sparkly outfits and catchy songs (except for the opening I guess? They used Noroshi there, I won't consider it sparkly LOL). Highlight of the first disc: The Light. Yamada unit delivered on that tbh. I just kind of wanted more dancing on that song tho
Here comes disc 2, where I become a mess. They pulled out their other side, the band side of Kanjani. The acoustic session was asdfghjkl. I cannot describe it with words. I'm not familiar with the songs they used, but in the end it was pleasing to listen to. (I need to listen to more of their songs tbh). They also performed more of their unit songs and tbh it's so damn good!! Hadaka (despite all the nakedness) was a good song, Steal your Love with all the Ryokura dancing was on point. Ohkura's dancing was exceptionally good! :) (But I'm biased so LMAO). Damn Black of Night was real, Maru was bringing it! and he served it hot man. (Idk what I'm saying). King of Otoko is my guilty pleasure LOL. AND MY FEELINGS TURNED ASDFGHJKL DURING THE BAND SESSION. I WAS IN TEARS, AND BY TEARS I MEAN LEGIT TEARS. They started with Tokyoholic, a song I'm not familiar with. They had a mini instrument adlib thing (pls I'm not a music person, idk) and damn EARGASM! Maru's bass was on point and Ohkura just had to join in, and shoutout to Yasu jumping up and down during Maru's part and Yokohina being proud parents af and Subaru joining in with a scream/yell. BUT THEN ZOU, ZOU WAS LIT I HAD GOOSEBUMPS. I don't have words to describe it okay? But the drumming was so fast, I can see Ohkura being tired and shit. And I think Yasu was on the brink of crying? And the bass was present and alive? I was a mess okay? I don't understand myself when I was watching it. And then Noroshi. TBH I like this Noroshi more than the intro Noroshi bc they performed it as a band, with instruments rather than walking LMAO.
And that was it, they had the usual encore and stuff. You know, and their credits were great.

That's it for the DVD~

My recent Kanjani boom got me thinking if I still like Arashi. Their latest single for JAL that sounds like Bittersweet didn't get me excited and the fact that I was hesistating on buying their DVD questioned my love for them. I still watch Kizoku Tantei and enjoy the latest single (especially Unknown, like damn those vocals and the stripped down sound), but I just don't have that much motivation on following their shows anymore. And I can't contribute that to RL because tbh, I don't have problems jugglng RL and Fandom life that much. For me, Arashi has lost their appeal visually I guess? Sometimes, I feel like I'm just forcing myself to watch them or comment on whatever they have going on. I can't get excited anymore about their projects and I feel guilty about it. People have been asking me if I will say goodbye to Arashi, and honestly, I've been thinking about that. But still Arashi is a safe place for me, where I have made friends.
Sometimes I think to myself, I wish Arashi wasn't put so high up in a pedestal. I don't know anything about them, all I hear are good things about them, like them being humble and all that but still, if you have that level of popularity, you're bound to get lax about yourself at some point (or maybe that's just me). I know they went through some shit and they know how it feels to be at the bottom, but recently, it feels like they don't put too much effort bc they are Arashi. Anything they do sells. It feels like they've been overexposed, they're everywhere and maybe they started feeling suffocated with their own presence. I feel like they want to lay-low, go down from no.1, find someone to compete with. They're losing the spirit. I feel bad for saying this but that's just how I feel.

(I'm probably gonna get bricked for this part)

[Why I love Kanjani! :)]
I love them bc they have that gap that can swallow me whole and my whole house. LMAO. They act all goofy and shit, but when they hold their instruments, they are a brand new group. And they speak to my jrock self, a part of me I can't throw away. Their songs have something that cheers me up, whatever song it is. Take Love & King as an example. It's an irritating song tbh, but I smile at it when it randomly comes up on my shuffle. I also like the fact that they have their own songs. I like how they found a balance with their idol self and doing the things they love. I love the balance they created within themselves, like how they almost have two personas.

That's all~
It's a mess, but that's me~ 
  • Current Music
    Kanjani8 - Nakanaide Boku no Music
  • Tags

Food Baby

Title: Food Baby
Author: nin_nin15          
Length: oneshot
Pairings: Yama
Rating: pg
Genre: crack, fluff
Summary: Food babies are easy to make
Notes: 1) I can’t do a proper summary. I’m sorry. 2) My words might come off a little stiff. I haven’t written anything in a long time, so I’m hella rusty

Ohno was never proactive in planning dates with Sho. One, he was too lazy to even plan properly. Two, it was hard to go out, especially if you’re a nationally known idol. Third, Sakurai Sho is his lover. It was hard to find a place where he hasn’t been to.
But today, Ohno was set on taking out Sho on their next day off together.
Ohno approached Sho who was currently reading a newspaper, probably for Zero.
The said man looked up from the newspaper he was reading.
                “What is it?” Sho said as he smiled at Ohno.
                “Let’s go out this Thursday, my treat.”
As much as Thursday sounds weird for a date, it was their first day off together and Ohno was not going to allow that day to pass with them just lazing around in their apartment.
                “But I have plans, Ohno-san.”
                “Please?” Ohno pleaded with puppy dog eyes.
It wasn’t very Ohno-like to plead, but he was not going to back down to Sho’s overly abused schedule book. He even glared at it.
                “Sho-kun, it’s our first day off together after months, I think it’s fair that we spend it together.”
Sho looks at his schedule book and back again to the pleading Ohno. He picks up the schedule book and opens it to Thursday. Drinking with college friends, buying that new book he wanted, buying new clothes he obviously did not need and more mundane stuff, but in general, nothing of great importance.
                “Okay, Satoshi-kun, we’ll go out this Thursday.”
Ohno wanted to dance, jump up and hug Sho, maybe kiss him too, but then again, it was very unlike himself, so he settled for a squeeze on Sho’s (sloping) shoulder.
Thursday rolls in fast and Ohno was a mess. He woke up at six to make breakfast for Sho even if he wanted to sleep in and cuddle with him more.
He turned on the lights to their barely used kitchen. He quietly prepares the things he needed. He wasn’t the best cook out there, but Sho would probably eat anything he made.
Ohno whips up a simple batch of pancakes. He follows the recipe according to a video he saw on youtube. It was a struggle, with the mixing and timing, but they came out better than expected. Coffee was the easier part of the breakfast. Ohno breathed a sigh of relief as soon as he finished plating everything.
                “Good morning, Sho-kun.”
Sho shot up from the bed upon smelling the aroma of coffee and the sweet scent of syrup and pancakes.
                “So, the date starts now?” Sho smirks, just a little bit.
                “I told you, I’ll treat you for the whole day.” Ohno said with a smile
It was the perfect start for the day ahead. First, pancakes. Second, Ohno made breakfast. There’s nothing more Sho could ask for.
The pair went out, donned in their best disguises ever (not). Sho was wearing a mask, sunglasses and a hat to make it look a bit fancy. Meanwhile, Ohno settled with a simple black cap.
Knowing Ohno, there was little planning made for today. The most planned part he had was the breakfast.
And this is why they match so well. Sho had prepared a detailed list of good places to eat at (and places he had never been to). Sho wanted Ohno to pick a place.
After much discussion and questions like: “What do you want to eat, Sho-kun?” And stupid replies like: “You. Can I have you for lunch?”, they have decided to eat sushi from those places with conveyor belts.
                “Are you sure about this?” Don’t you want to go somewhere fancier?” Ohno asked as they waited for their orders.
                “We always eat fancy, sometimes I want to eat food like this and plus I can eat more food at prices like this!” Sho smiled for the nth time that day.
Sho smiled even wider when their first order came. Ohno let out a small chuckle.
After 10 plates between them and amidst all the random banter and weird conversations, Sho and Ohno had their fill.
                “Well then, where do we go next?” Ohno asks his date.
Sho pulls out the list and starts talking about the pros and cons of each place.
It was a known fact that Ohno loves sweet things, and somehow Sho got dragged into their sweets club and finally all of Arashi was a full on sweets club. It was going to be weird if they did not eat any pastries or cakes. Ohno seems to be knowledgeable about good spots.
                “I’ll order for you.” Ohno said as he stood up from their table.
A few minutes later, Ohno comes with a slice of cheesecake and an iced café latte.
                “Oh you know me so well.” Sho said, teasing Ohno a bit.
                “The whole Japan knows you so well, Sho-kun.”
That comment earns a hearty laugh from Sho. If he laughed any louder, they would be eating their cakes somewhere else.
They eat their cakes peacefully. Ohno watches Sho as takes a bite of his cheesecake happily. Sho seems to notice this, so he takes another forkful and brings it up to Ohno’s lips.
                “You want some?”
Ohno nods, but then Sho did the opposite. He moves the fork away and proceeds to eat it.
                “Then take it.”
Ohno was not the competitive type but this was cake, and probably Sho’s lips too. It was a challenge he needed to take.
Ohno grabbed the nearest menu and covered their faces. Sho dropped his fork in surprise as Ohno claimed his lips.
They decided on delivery pizza. At the end of the day, being at home was where they feel most comfortable. It was a place where no one can see them and they could be themselves.
Sho put on a movie he wanted to watch so bad, and Ohno made popcorn as they waited for their pizza to come. As soon as their pizza arrived, the pair settled on the couch and started the movie. Halfway through the movie, they have finished the pizza and popcorn. Around three-fourths into the movie, Ohno was snoring.
Sho finished the movie alone, cleaned the mess they made on their coffee table. He made as little noise as possible, not wanting to wake up the adorable Ohno sleeping on their couch, cuddling a throw pillow.
But all good things come to an end. Ohno’s slumber was interrupted by Sho’s horrified screams. Ohno ran quickly into the bathroom.
                “WHAT HAPPENED?!”
                “Satoshi-kun, I have a food baby.” Sho said, his voice quivering a bit.
                “I guess I’m a father now.” Ohno laughed.
                “This is not the time to laugh Satoshi-kun, this is serious!” Sho pouted.
Ohno walked into the shower, not caring if his clothes got wet.
                “Well then, there are a lot of things we can do to get rid of it.” Ohno whispered, his voice very low, sending shivers down Sho’s spine.


Title: Blocked
Author: nin_nin15          
Length: drabble
Pairings: Sakumiya
Rating: pg
Genre: crack
Summary: When blocked, everyone needs release
Notes: I’m in a block so here. I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE SOMETHING

Sho grumbles in frustration as he types away on his laptop.
                “I need to write. I Need To Write. I NEED TO WRITE.”
Sho sighs once more, getting the attention of Nino.
                “Sho-chan, maybe today’s not your day.” Nino shouts from across the room.
                “But Nino! I have to write something!” Sho whines.
                “Then stop whining and start writing! I can’t finish this level with you sighing in the background every five seconds!”
Nino returns back to his game, leaving Sho alone to wallow in his inability to write.
It was quiet for exactly five minutes, minus the sounds of the Sho typing on his keyboard and the fanfare music playing from Nino’s game.
Nino was about to move on to the next level, when he heard another frustrated sigh from Sho.
                “Sho-chan, just what in the world are you writing?!” Nino’s voice laced with frustration.
Nino didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh at Sho or just question his current mental state.
                “But why?”
                “Fans seem to like it.”
Nino squinted his eyes.
                “So it’s fanservice?”
Sho spun his chair around to face Nino. He wore this smirk on his face, like he had some brilliant idea in his mind.
                “Kind of.”
Nino smirks back at Sho. It looks like they have the same thing in mind. He walks towards Sho and straddles him.
                “How about we give them something to write about.” Nino whispers into Sho’s ears, his low voice sending shivers through Sho’s body.
Sho closes his laptop and carries Nino towards their bed. He drops him on the bed, and closes the distance between them, kissing Nino eagerly.
                “I like that idea.”

untitled 01/18/2017

Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Forget that we were so close, like two peas in a pod;
Forget all the fun times we had together;
Forget all the shit we went through;
Forget that time that I opened up to you;
Forget that I mattered to you once.

I want to forget so that walking away from you wouldn't be so painful